Shame, Signs, & Shining Light
The power of allowing The Universe to guide your path
Last month, I had an hour-long phone conversation with June.
At 85, she’s suffered from debilitating lifelong depression and has tried many medications over the decades, with limited success.
One of her relatives heard through the grapevine about my own struggles with treatment-resistant depression, and how physician-assisted ketamine therapy not only saved my life, but also transformed its trajectory.
How it reawakened something deep within me, shook my foundation to its core, and sent me back to school to eventually practice psychedelic therapy and help others experience the same.
They thought that June and I should connect, which led to our call.
The first thing she wanted to know about was my life. I told her how I experienced depression: as a dense fog so heavy, so impenetrable, that not even a photon of light could enter.
I talked about how, inside this darkness, I became preoccupied with death, because it seemed like the only way out.
I explained how depression demanded every bit of my mental energy, from the time I woke up until the time I fall asleep. Nothing remained available to think about others or about any kind of future.
I confessed the burning shame I felt about the selfishness of my depression. About how I was a burden to the world, always ruining people’s day merely by being in their presence. About how I didn’t deserve love, and how the world would be infinitely better without me in it.
I shared how I eventually had the motivation, the means, and a plan to end my life. How I’d written my suicide notes to loved ones, including my children.
And how my therapist’s last-ditch recommendation to reach out to a local physician-assisted ketamine therapy clinic eventually marked my psychological and spiritual rebirth; one at least as important as my physical birth 46 years earlier.
I cried several times.
June and I had never met before, but I felt like I was talking to my reflection—someone who was also nearing the end of their rope, but who was still fighting like hell to maintain their grip on life.
Based on what she told me, she felt it, too.
“I’ve never talked with someone about this before. It’s like you’re saying everything I’ve wanted to say for so long,” she confessed. Even afterward, her relative texted me and said, “June was super inspired by you, and said you’re the first person she’s ever met who truly understands her depression.”
“In fact,” they continued, “she was so inspired, she decided to arrange her own ketamine therapy! Her psychiatrist has approved, so we’re now just working to find her a provider.”
Over the past two years, as I’ve publicly opened up about my mental health struggles and connected with others in profound ways, I’ve learned something crucial: because shame thrives in secrecy, sharing my journey doesn’t just drain the power from my own shame, but also helps others remember their light and liberate themselves from its shackles, too.
Furthermore, as I’ve weathered the crumbling of my old life’s foundations and rebuilt new ones from the ground up, I’ve noticed that when we’re on the right path, there will be signs. Sometimes, they arrive loudly and land with an almost audible thud, like my experience with June, while other times they’re gentle, like a feather brushing against my skin.
And in both cases, through a lot of trial and error, I’ve developed the invaluable skill of putting forth the energy, showing The Universe where I want to go, and then pausing, breathing, and mindfully awaiting the signposts it provides along the way to confirm—or not—that I’m heading in the “right” direction.
Here’s my daily routine for finding—and maintaining—alignment between myself, The Universe, and its guidance.
A 5-Minute Meditation for Alignment
This is my brief practice of showing The Universe (whatever that means for you, whether spirit, God, nature, your deeper self, or simply the unfolding of life) where I want to go, and then listening for its response. Feel free to take what resonates, leave the rest, and move gently with yourself as you go.
Arriving in your body
Find a comfortable seated position, close your eyes, rest your hands loosely, and settle into place. Take three deep breaths, imagining pure white light entering your body with each inhale, and dark, heavy air exiting your body with each exhale.
When you’re finished, return your breathing to a natural, even cadence like a gentle tide moving in and out. Notice the weight of your body, its contact with the chair or bed, and the simple fact that you are here, right now, alive in this moment.
Stating your direction
Recall one area of your life where you long for movement or healing: it might be your mental health, a relationship, your work, or your sense of purpose. Allow one area to rise to the surface, gently and naturally.
Imagine this longing as a small light in your chest—maybe it’s faint, maybe it’s bright, but it’s undeniably there. With your next few breaths, silently complete this sentence:
“Universe, the direction I want to go is…”
Give yourself permission to finish the sentence in your own words, even if they feel imperfect, unsure, or incomplete. Keep in mind that this isn’t a demand, but a signal, an energetic indication, of where your heart is pointing.
Repeat your sentence three times silently, each time a little more slowly.
Handing it over
Now, with your intention clearly named, imagine gently moving that small light from your chest and placing it into the open “palms” of The Universe.
With each exhale, silently say: “I am willing to be guided.”
With each inhale, silently say: “Show me the next step.”
Remember that you’re not forcing answers or rushing solutions. Instead, you’re simply aligning your inner direction with the possibility of new paths, new patterns, and new perspectives you may not yet see.
Waiting for signposts
For the next minute or two, do nothing but breathe and notice.
Feel the air entering and leaving your body.
Pay attention to different sensations, such as warmth, tingling, heaviness, restlessness, or calmness.
Notice various emotions as they arise, such as hope, doubt, grief, relief, or even numbness.
Whatever arises has your full permission to exist. Your only job is to witness.
As you rest in this awareness, imagine that the “signposts” you’re requesting may show up in many forms: It could be a sudden sense of clarity or a small, quiet “yes” or “no” felt in your body. Perhaps a person you feel drawn to reach out to. Or, perhaps a thought like, “Maybe I could try…” which feels a bit lighter than the others.
You do not need to chase these signposts in this moment. Just acknowledge that you are open to noticing them in the hours, days, weeks, and months ahead.
Closing with trust
Bring your attention back to the bodily sensations sitting where you are.
Notice any subtle shifts: perhaps a little more spaciousness in your chest, or maybe nothing at all, which is perfectly okay. The practice is the signal. The results will unfold over time.
Place a hand over your heart, if that feels comfortable, and silently say:
“I have shown you my direction.”
“I will keep breathing and watching for the signs.”
“I do not have to know everything right now.”
Repeat the three deep breaths from the beginning of your meditation, imagining pure white light entering your body with each inhale and dark, heavy air exiting with each exhale.
When you’re ready, gently open your eyes, and carry with you the sense that you have both spoken and listened. You’ve offered your path to The Universe, and trust that the next signposts will appear in their own time.
A Companion Worksheet
Here’s a daily or weekly worksheet that you can use to help you gradually connect your inner direction with your lived experiences, while allowing the patterns in your “signs” become clearer over time.
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Beautifully expressed, as always Derek. It's wonderful to see the positive effects your journey is having on so many others. In light, Jaime P.S I've shared this today to my audience, so you will see the cross post and email :)
This is wonderful. Thank you for that.