Fatherhood, Forgiveness, & Navigating Shame About My Parenting Failures

How embracing self-compassion transforms guilt into connection

My oldest daughter’s 17^th birthday was last Sunday, so I met her and her sister for a long lunch at a local restaurant.

It had been nearly two weeks since I’d last spent time with them, and it was beautiful to see their radiant faces again. Like most teenagers, though, I understand that they have busy schedules filled with school, sports, work, and social activities, and that hanging out with their old man isn’t exactly at the top of their list of priorities.

Still, I struggle with how infrequently I can hug them and give them a couple of pecks on their foreheads before sending them back into the world.

Wherever they scatter throughout the day, though, I’m grateful that they can return home to their mother each night, who was their rock while I drowned under a dark, roiling sea of depression.

I’m also grateful for how I’ve faced my demons over the past two years, how this currently allows me to show up for them, and all the ways our relationship repairs a little each moment I spend in their presence.

But if I’m being honest, I often feel intense guilt about who I couldn’t be when they were younger, and equally guilty about how this led them to now spend more time with my ex in a single afternoon than they typically do with me in a month.

My guilt is strongest whenever the four of us are together. Because it’s during these times that I witness the greater intimacy my years-long emotional absence engendered with their mom:

How they turn to her when they need reassurance.

How they seek advice from her, both big and small.

How they talk about the different ways she raised them.

And how she’s the first—and often only—person they smile at when celebrating victories.

I fully recognize, though, that my guilt isn’t my daughters’ fault, nor their problem to fix. So, I make the most of the fleeting moments I have with them, and instead of running from my guilt when I get home, I mindfully process it.

There, sitting with my painful emotions, leaning into them, and listening to their wisdom provides me with two foundational gifts:

• First, acknowledging my guilt opens a self-compassionate space for recognizing that, while I made many mistakes and violated my children’s trust, I was doing the best I could with the tools I had at the time, and I now have the emotional capacity to make amends.

• Second, providing myself with this grace helps prevent internalizing my guilt, which—I know from firsthand experience—can morph into shame. Subsequently, this prevents a downward spiral of unworthiness, feeling fundamentally flawed, and an eventual depressive crisis.

And by granting myself this clarity, I’m able to see through shame’s lies, which can lead to damaging my budding relationship with my girls, including that I don’t matter or have a place in their lives, that I shouldn’t keep “pestering” them about spending time together, and that I don’t have so much wisdom to offer.

In these ways, while I wasn’t the father they needed in the past, I can provide them with the support they need now, as well as far into the future, when they can eventually pass these same lessons onto their own children.

A 3-Minute Meditation to Help Learn from Parenting Guilt

Here’s a quick meditation that I use to help me process the guilt—and subsequent shame—around my parental failures:

Start by taking a comfortable seat and closing your eyes, if that feels safe.

Begin with a slow, deep breath in through your nose, imagining a bright, white light filling your body. Then, exhale out through your mouth, picturing dark, heavy air exiting your body.

Then, let your mind settle.

Once settled, follow your breath and bring to mind a recent moment of guilt, perhaps related to your parenting or time you wish you had spent with your children. Pay attention to your body and notice any tension or heaviness in your chest, shoulders, or belly. If noticed, acknowledge it with gentle curiosity, free from judgment.

On your next inhale, silently say to yourself:

“I am here for my pain; I am listening.”

As you exhale, relax your body and soften your face. Remind yourself:

“Guilt is not my enemy. It is a messenger with wisdom.”

Allow yourself to sit with any feelings that bubble to the surface. If regret or sorrow arise, let them move through you as waves, and repeat:

“I was doing the best I could with the resources I had at the time.”

Breathe in compassion, imagining more light filling you. Breathe out negativity, letting go of harsh self-judgment.

Now, reflect for a moment on the grace you’ve given yourself; the commitment to repair, the courage to show up, and the clarity that you have control over whether your guilt devolves into shame.

On your next breath, silently offer yourself forgiveness:

“May I be gentle with myself. May I find peace in my efforts to reconnect and heal.”

Feel the firmness of the ground beneath you, along with the life-giving support provided by each breath.

Repeat this process as many times as you choose.

And when you’re ready, slowly open your eyes, return to the present with clarity and self-compassion, and remember that each action you take today is a gift to yourself—as well as those you love.